4atasteoftrue

One hour and seven minutes ago, now.

Thu, 02 Jul 2009 10:08:49 GMT

Exactly seventeen minutes ago I floated out into sea.

I was being carried away with the icy tide as I grasped armloads full of air and foam and ice. My voice was grasping too, calling out my love’s name over and over. “HELP! HELP!” There’s nothing anyone could do.

It all stated while I was at a gig, two actually, which is a horrible way to start because that means there was a double booking. This is this the kiss of death to any savvy booking agent. In an instant I was trying my darndest to play both gigs, at both locations, going from venue to venue. Each gig more horribly played than the other. My finger picks had been stretched out. I couldn’t squeeze them together to fit my fingers. Somehow I was smaller and my fingers were too tiny and frail to support the metal picks that before would easily wrap around. Pathetic attempts of making sound by rubbing metal picks to metal board were ridiculously silent. Nothing. Not only were the notes of other musicians too loud, and the crowd too grumbly, but my hands couldn’t make a sound no matter how I tried. I checked for blood dripping down from the desperate aggression I was enforcing, anything to make sound.

I found myself slipping and sliding over expensive cable and dangerously close to other’s valuable amps and gear. I couldn’t stand straight. I looked down to find I was wearing roller skates. No safety pads. I was wearing a billowy short skirt. I could feel my underwear creeping up into me as I began to feel the pain of a serious wedgy. As a worked to maintain balance, my feet flew in all directions and like I slipped on a cartoon banana peal, placed there by an evil villain, to beat me in an epic battle of evil over good, I fell. I fell hard. My bottom crashed against the rickety wooden stage. I thought for a moment that the whole stage would cave in with the sudden blow. As time moved extremely slow, and the sound from the crowd and the bands frustrated music slowly echoed in my ears. I felt a cold and painful breeze of embarrassment blow my skirt up in the air exposing me for everyone’s judgment.

This is the moment I asked two people that were there to help me take off my skates, like a toddler asking to be picked up and held with arms stretched high above their head. My tiny fingers with loose picks that I could now not remove crippled my ability to remove my own skates. I was sitting there helpless. I couldn’t do it by myself anymore. This small skill I learned as a child was taken from me.

I managed to remove my skates and make a b-line for the steps off stage right. In my frantic state I managed to knock over the guitar player’s amp. It crashed to the floor shattering to a million pieces. Although it was once an amplifier, it had become a broken cassette tape busted in a million pieces with its jewel case. I knew at that moment that it was a memory. I once, in a fit of rage, smashed a tape just like this one to shreds. It was a mixed tape with sweetly hand drawn hearts on it, and school girl music notes. It was a gift to my ex. It was proof of an affair with a beautiful song bird who had caught his eye late at night while I was home asleep with the babies. I destroyed that tape!

Here it was again now, on the steps. It was at my gig, The gig I had bombed. I could hear a young woman’s voice saying “It’s ok, we all have bad days.” All I could do was just ignore her and start to pick up the pieces which had become sharp and painful shards of glass cutting into my flesh. I murmured over and over to myself, “I broke it. I broke it.”

I found myself outside. My love by my side. I had a mission. We were going to get to the other gig and find more finger picks so that I could at least finish the gig, saving some resemblance of professionalism and dignity. We walked by the disapproving and smug smiling face of a man who has been my competitor in business for the last few years. “Where ya going? The set’s not over.” I could hear him giggling and rushing to share the news with his cronies. He had won.

With my love by my side we rush outside in the snow and ice. Cold engulfed me. The ridged ground became growing puddles. My love said “Oh, so you are going for a swim now?” I began to feel wet and even colder. The water taking me inch by inch. It swept me off my feet and I couldn’t again find the ground. I yelled his name over and over. I grasped trying to find a strong hold. “HELP! HELP!” He just stood there smiling.

It’s now been forty eight minutes since I was swept away into the huge and lonely ocean.

One last yell for help pulled me from my dream and into my bed. I think I yelled in real life too, as I heard my cat outside yell back as if she was trying to remind me I’m not alone. I immediately knew that I could turn to my left and find my love there sleeping. He would most likely have been awoke by my yells and I would find warmth and comfort in his arms and his loving breath against my cold skin.

My love is gone. Last night, the infamous last words “I’ll still love you.”

I can’t rush to tell him my bad dreams anymore. In fact, I can’t rush to tell him anything. No texts to share my day. No IM to transition from one activity to another and send him sweet hugs and kisses and smiley faces. *Hug + Hold* is what he would type to me and I would instantly feel better.

My love is gone.

I’m gone now, swept out to sea.

Alone.

bye!

Sun, 24 Aug 2008 22:47:52 GMT

I signed on today to delete this blog. I've been thinking about it for a while... but now as I move to make it happen, I feel dirty.

Maybe I should send out a warning.

This is an official notice. (Like a bright yellow letter I've recieved in the mail threatning to shut off an essential account.. like power, water, sewage.) Fuckers!

This tool for chatter was useful and beautiful, but no longer does it hold the value it once did. I'm gonna kill it. I want it to go-away. Forever!

Does that make me a fucker?

I think I'm gonna kill it.

Quote for the day

Fri, 09 May 2008 19:22:59 GMT

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.

-- Dr. Seuss

Play with your food

Fri, 25 Apr 2008 16:57:50 GMT

This guy is soo funny! He makes musical instruments with cabbage, mushrooms, carrots, broccolli and more... This one here is my son's favorite, because it's the Zelda theme song,

What a funny day. : )

Wed, 23 Apr 2008 21:58:17 GMT

These things here... they made me laugh today.

Mowing.. er, trying.. to mow the front lawn in the rain. Defeated for the second time. I had to laugh at myself.. that's just plain silly.

Goofy kisses from a pocket

The subtle humor in this video:

A commercial for some cleanser.. perfectly marketed to the woman of today "Nature. Clinically proven"

"Stop trying to help and work on being harmless."

A song by a southern rock band called Patient Zero: It was "Life goes on" by John Cougar Meloncamp, but it was sung entirely in spanish. I don't have a video of it, but here's the original song:

The G is silent

Mon, 21 Apr 2008 22:32:56 GMT

So, I decided I like my news best with the G silent:

www.gnooze.com

Here's why:

1) Marta is young, pretty and not stupid! Thanks for not perpetuating the whole dumb blond thing in the media.

2) It's funny to see a girl make jokes. Why are there not more female comedialns in the world, huh?

3) The process of communicating the headline news and then deconstructing it by saying things like "and then Bush was all.... and then Iran was all..." that's great. I think it makes current events more accessable to young people

Check out some of her other videos.. on the site. She's funny.

Art

Fri, 18 Apr 2008 16:01:47 GMT

sitting here at the Wondering Goat Cafe in Eugene Oregon I am overwhelmed by the incredible art hanging on the wall by local artist, Aaron Sullivan. (mushisama@hotmail.com). I've been watching it grow on me for days. Today I feel it deeply. I decided he knows me. I don"t know him.. but I want to.

This is the rad caption he hand wrote with red pen on the wall next to one of his water color and pen/pencil drawings (all incredibly priced by the way.. I want a few!).

"This way to purgatoryville. This is a place we're going to visit. Nothing happens and it sure is boring. The people who live here just do drugs all day long to cope with it. There is a big guy that gobbles up all of the colors for himself, then he shares his pills for a price. When the little guys take his drugs they go to another world."

LOVE It!

blah blah love, blah blah

Mon, 14 Apr 2008 03:55:49 GMT

I'm wondering if there is the perfect amount of love.

We know what happens when there is a void of love.. hate and socio-pathic shit like murder, right? What happens when there is too much love? Is that possible? How do you know? When has love migrated beyond appropriate human levels and oozed into unhealthy, freaky expressions of attachment, greed and obsession?

How do you keep obsession at bay?

What is too clingy?

I typed this desperate question into my google machine: how do you know if you love too much?

This is what I got:

1) http://advice.eharmony.com/?page=articles/view&AID=1847 conclusion here: according to E-harmony I'm a smotherer and selfish. Fuck e-harmony.

2) http://cjwriter.com/2007/11/02/can-you-love-too-much/ conclusion I found from reading comments of this blog:
I'm drowning and I don't really like the feeling. I love water and I love to float. Splashing is also quite exhilarating, but what If I want to come up for air and I can't? What if the one I love is all waterlogged and tired of swimming? wrinkled like my toes after a long bath. then what? I'm used to leaving first. I don't want to be left alone to drown.

I then asked this follow up question: how can you measure love? I got this link that's freaky. Anything about love for God and Jesus freaks me out:

http://ebarnabas.wordpress.com/2006/08/08/how-do-you-measure-love/

It talks about being in love as a measure of the way you love yourself. You know you love someone if you love them the same as you love yourself. I think that's problematic in my case, because I can't truly say I love myself that much. I'm ok.. Better than most *rubbing fingers on my imaginary lapels for some reason*, but that doesn't seem to be that hard of a feat. I know that I love three people in my life more than myself. This accomplishment is worth celebrating I think. *clasped hands cheering from side to side.*

Maybe measure love is the same as measuring the willingness to risk total failure.. total humiliation.. total rejection. The more you are willing to step off the ledge the more you love. Huhhmm. *now stroking my imaginary beard between my thumb and forefinger*. (Why are smart gestures always male coded?).

The trick, I'm finding, is taking baby stepps and then breathing deeply and working to get over the fear that overwhelms me. I wonder if it's possible to love without fear.

let's find out shall we...

Jesus!! Ok. whew. That's encouraging. Apparently I'm not alone here. There are books, songs, blogs, websites, comments and confessions with these exact sentiments (not sediments.. that's different).

Kay. : )

a chance to do the right thing

Sat, 12 Apr 2008 19:32:04 GMT

So I'm having a garage sale (social marker for financially struggling). This guy wanted to buy this set of items. He only had $7. He needed $20. He came with his truck to load up... He said "Hey can you hold this stuff for me and I'll come back tomorrow with the rest of the money?"

I said "No. Why don't you just take it all now and you can bring the rest of the money tomorrow."

The dude was soo surprised. He was trying to convince me he was trust worthy.. volunteered to leave his driver's license, gave me his address and was shocked that I would trust a stranger.

I said "I know man, you'll do the right thing. I'll see ya tomorow."

I woke up this morning and just as I was opening the garage door he drove up with cash in hand. He was soo happy. "Here ya go! See, I told you I'd come back. Thanks for trusting me. That's tight. More people should be like you then people would be more trustworthy, ya know?"

"Thanks!" I said and smiled. "Have a nice day."

I have this feeling that he's going to do something nice for another person today; maybe be a better dad, or trust someone and make someone else feel good. This makes me feel good.

If there is a god. I think this is it.

I finaly get a washboard!!

Fri, 11 Apr 2008 17:27:10 GMT

I am soo happy. My friends make boutique washboards. They strap on back pack strapps so it's nice and compfy, add splash symbol, cow bell and knocker (I asked them to also add a dinger bell for me too) and then they hand paint it with beautiful folk art designs. I get it next week. WWWEEEEHHHEEE!!

IO should be working, but instead I'm obsessing on washboard stuff... Here's some fun washboard info for ya:

wiki: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Washboard

Busking tips for women washboard players: http://users.resist.ca/~kirstena/pagetakebackentertainment.html

Top ten reasons people play washboards:

1. You can run with it if the cops come.

2. It isn't as loud as most drums, but it cuts through the music with a voice of its own.

3. It allows you to mess with the time.

4. There aren't that many washboard players.

5. People are always curious about it and some of them are nice and some of them are women.

6. You get to, or have to, build it yourself, unless you play rub board and have the address of the guy in Louisiana that makes them.

7. You can dance and play at the same time.

8. It only takes thirty years to figure out how to play quietly and still push the beat.

9. The brass takes longer to wear out that guitar strings.

10. Thimbles can be most easily purchased in sewing centers and nice women are often found there. They will inevitably ask why you are buying eight thimbles at a time. It is fun to explain.

Happiness

Tue, 01 Apr 2008 17:49:08 GMT

I'm interested this morning in happiness. As I walk over to the espresso counter and i share a smile with my barista, I realise that I have an opening and potential for more happiness today than most. What is this physiological phenomena I'm experiencing? I feel soo connected to others. I see beauty in people and things that day after day I do not encounter. I honestly think my capacity and willingness to love others is greater today.. right now at this moment, than any other.

Here, Dan Gilbert gives a talk on TED entitled "Why are we happy? Why aren't we happy?" it relates to happiness at work, as well as the concept of synthetic happiness: http://www.ted.com/index.php/talks/view/id/97

Here, Penelope Trunk talks about happiness in her blog The Brazen Careerist. Although I have read her enteries before and found her to be annoyingly conservative and hetro-centric, I like what she has to say here. http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2007/01/16/the-connection-between-a-good-job-and-happiness-is-overrated/

Here, Happiness is defined as what you are when you are not feeling a list of bad things like despair, self doubt and other yucky emotions. I guess they think of happiness as water which flows in when there's room, or the sand at the bottom of the ocean.. huhhmm.

http://www.selfcreation.com/happiness/what_is_happiness.htm

I just know that I can get used to this. I want to choose to get used to this. : ) Anyone want to join me?

Is there a breeeze in hear... you gonna eat that?, ahgh. Why do I bother?

Thu, 27 Mar 2008 05:10:51 GMT

It's fun being a bi-sexual, tree huggin', hairy legged, solo-parenting, gin drinkin', music lovin', intellectual, secular, Jewish American Goddess. I'm telling you, Hershal, it ain't so bad.

Passover is coming up and I'll tell you.. the food is both the best and the worst. Funny how flavors hold memories:

Dry as fuck Mazza crackers. Everyone tells you to bring a box, and at the end of the meal there's way too many boxes layin' around the house. No body realy eats those. We just hide them in a towel and watch the kids run around the house trying to find it. Stupid kids. They don't know it's only to keep them in the other room while the adults can sit peacefully drunk after so many toasts of wine.

"Did you look in the bedroom? I think you and the rest of the kids aut to go look again... look closer this time.. yes. over there, go look over there."

Why bring the gefilta fish? Who eats that shit? Old ladies feel compelled to make people try and take the jars home with them.

"Take it! It's free! It will go to waste!"

The taste of bitter herbs dipped into a boul of salty water. Tears... tears of the Jews. Yummy.

Horseradish mixed with sweet apples. It's painful and you get to celebrate at the end.. like the Jews. It only makes you stronger.

Vegetarian Jews are funny. You are supposed to have a big ass leg of lamb dripping in blood to symbolize the sacrifices that the Jews have made. Instead, fuckn' Veggie Jews have a big ugly beet dripping pretty pink juices all of the plate in the sacred leg-o-Lamb spot on the platter. What the fuck! Don't get me wrong, I love a good beet, but not on the passover plate for cryin' out loud!

Singing is always nice, even though we sound like shit.

Reading together is always nice with the attention going to the oldest child that can read. That's nice too. Takes for ever... you are not supposed to drink the wine before the toasts start, but everyone does it. Fuck it.

My friend's passover meal that I go to every year has feminist versions of the stories. Funny fuckn' hairy legged, poly-amourous, co-op livin', hippy, veggie, feminist Jews.

Gotta love em. : )

.... after a shower is nice.

REHAB

Wed, 26 Mar 2008 02:24:47 GMT

This song is on the 2000 released album, Southern Discomfort. I can't get it out of my head. I love it. It has a rad combination of southern rock and hip hop/rap that speaks to the white trash gal inside of me.

REHAB LYRICS

"Sittin' At A Bar"

Bar tender I really did it this time
Broke my parole to have a good time
When I got home it was 6 a.m.
The door was locked so I kicked it in
She was trippin' on the bills
I think she was high on some pills
She threw my shit out into the yard
The she called me a bum and slapped me real hard
And in my drunkin' stooper
I did what I should of never done
Now I'm sittin' here talking to you
Drunk and on the run

I'm sittin' at a bar on the inside
Waitin' for my ride on the outside
She broke my heart in the trailer park
So I jacked the keys to her fuckin' car
Crashed that piece of shit and then stepped away

You know mo I'll probably get ten years
So just give me beers 'til they get here
Yeah I know the sun is comin' up
And you all are probably gettin' ready for closin' up
But I'm trying to drown my soul
I'm tired of this life on a dirt road
And everything that I love is gone
And I'm tired of hangin' on

She got me sittin' at a bar on the inside
Waitin' for my ride on the outside
She stole my heart in the trailer park
So I jacked the keys to her fuckin' car
Crashed that piece of shit and then stepped away

I guess it's meant to be
Romance is misery
So much for memories
And now I'm headed to the Penitentiary
See me on T.V.
The next cop series
I am a danger
I guess I should've done something about my anger
But I'll never learn
Real things I don't concern
I pour kerosene on everything I love and watch it burn
I know it's my fault
But I wasn't happy it was over
She through a fit so I crashed that piece a shit nova

And now I'm goin' back again
Back to the pen to see my friends
And when we all pile out that county van
They'll ask me where I've been

I've been at a bar on the inside
Waitin' for my ride on the outside
She broke my heart in the trailer park
So I jacked the keys to her fuckin' car
Crashed that piece of shit and then stepped away

I am really appreciating comedy.. cuz it's funny6. DUH!

Wed, 26 Mar 2008 02:07:16 GMT

OMFG! I LOVE This Kid... Bo Durham. Wow. yeah... te, he.

he's got a bunch of videos posted. Here are a couple of my favorites:

More Bo: http://www.youtube.com/user/boburnham

oh, and he's cute too:

$600 bucks?

Fri, 21 Mar 2008 05:21:13 GMT

For $600 bucks I could pay off late childcare payments, pay down my car loan, get a bed that doesn't hurt my back, buy a shit load of cheese, I think I could pay for a weekend with a moderately hot hooker or just for shits and giggles I can enter into intense psycho-therapy to cure myself of adult attachment disorder.

Thanks mom!

http://www.attachmenttherapy.com/adult.htm

fuck cheese

Fri, 21 Mar 2008 03:52:00 GMT

If YOU don't want to fuck cheese, there's something wrong with you!

Things die

Fri, 14 Mar 2008 02:05:02 GMT

I'm listening to my sister right now. She's talking to me about death while she drives. Her aunt died last week. My granny died yesyerday. My friend died too.

She said "At the end of your life all that's left is a bunch of crap scattered around your cold apartment for others to clean up. That stuff doesn't matter. It's the relationships that matter. Who else will come to your place and take care of your shit?"

I wonder who would come to my house and take care of my shit?

I wonder if there would be anything there that I would feel embarrassed, or ashamed of?

Why would I? I'd be dead.

I think I need a will.

Does anyone want a unicycle? I don't know why I have it. I'll leave it for you in my will. Better yet - I'd like to give it to you now, so I can see your smile. If I was dead I would miss that.

Or would I?

Once

Sun, 10 Feb 2008 06:59:16 GMT

This movie changed me.

It reminded me that connections between people are beyond societal conventions. We fuck things up when we try and control and define them.

I think I've had this notion that when you feel "that something special" with someone that means you are in love. When you are in love, you take on certain roles and expectations. I almost forgot again that love is more encompassing than this confined idea. Love is real and beautiful and earth shaking.. but that doesn't mean it's the kind of love that needs to last forever, get all domestic, fullfill all the partnership needs and such.

Sometimes the most impact full connections come and go. Often, actually... as they should.

Sometimes, like little particles in the wind, we collide and forever change each other.. but then move on only to collide again. I guess that's life, huh?

Something else I am coming to understand more fully is that the time floating, and experiencing the breeze on your own, between collisions of the heart, are just as valuable and filled with love and life as the collisions themselves.

Why spend alone time wanting?

I am asking myself this question tonight.

I need to learn to love being alone. Not just for the night.. or for a while, but fully alone.

Shit.

Why is it so hard to believe these simple and logical realizations? When the notion comes from my head it makes perfect sense.. when it moves on to implant itself more permanently into the more personal areas of myself, emotional I seem to be a bit dence. It won't stick. I can't seem to take the lesson and incorporate it into practice.

Oh well.. I'm not giving up, I guess.

I'm happy to have the companionship of my puppy. She almost died today.

love song

Mon, 04 Feb 2008 06:16:34 GMT

A sweet kitty helped me write this song. It's for the Ukulele.

It was the future when I met you
Like a storm blown through
No response, no coffee, that’s lame.
A really big weekend was trying to squeeze through

As you are walking, across this trainwreck
for the carnage, I apologize
This is the geography of my chest,
Right and left ribs sweeping

CHORUS:
I love you like breathing, like breathing
The way you push and gi--ve

I love you like breathing, like breath--ing
Flood of hones--ty

In my dreams (even)
I love you, I love you like breathing, like brea--thing in

Bear no guilt of a sober mind
Should you blush but not write
infinite points, unbroken line
Pillow talks and blueish light

Dancing, intangible a memory
Sounds of a rope pulled tight
flood of honesty
While drowning in a monsoon

CHORUS:
I love you like breathing, like breathing
The way you push and gi--ve

I love you like breathing, like breath--ing
Flood of hones--ty

In my dreams (even)
I love you, I love you like breathing, like brea--thing in

hee, hee

Mon, 04 Feb 2008 04:09:35 GMT

Make your own!

Sat, 02 Feb 2008 03:13:14 GMT

Instruments that folks make on thier own are rad!

The sea makes music:
http://www.oddmusic.com/gallery/om24550.html

Hip Hip Horray for a free day!

Sat, 02 Feb 2008 02:56:10 GMT

It's been a while since I had some time to catch up with myself. So many things going on... so little time. Here are a few conclusions I've come to today:

1) Eggs cooked in a bowl with a microwave- not bad on toast, mayo and a weiner sliced in half. mmmmm

2) I don't like the word nor concept of determinism. It's problomatic on several levels... but fate doesn't seem to work either... and fuck the concept of God. So, this notion of "Casual determinism" seems like a step in the right direction.

(http://plato.stanford.edu/entries/determinism-causal/ )

3) Denial is a perfectly successful and productive activity when used in the proper context. Knowing your own limits is a good thing.

4) Money exists wether I give it my power or not. It's my play thing.. when it's around I will engage, when it's not I'm not going to freak out. I don't NEED it all of the time. (if unsure.. go to conclusion #3).

I like these, do you?

Thu, 24 Jan 2008 05:14:40 GMT

http://www.asylumstreetspankers.com/

http://www.bored.com/nosepilot/real.html

http://www.youtube.com/wowhallnow

intergalactic esspresso and goats

Sun, 20 Jan 2008 03:43:28 GMT

"Imagine the whole galaxy is you, right?" my daughter said. I sure liked the start of this conversation, so i just began typing here on my new lap top to get some practice, and get used to the feel of it all.

The music here in the cafe is the SHINS. I just can't get enouph of them, I swear they are gently guiding me somewhere into the future.. I trust the SHINS. : )

"And a star is something called a mitochondria. Inside those things are something called farandolae. Those are really, really important because.. enouph of farandolae die, then the mitochondria will get sick, then everything will die, then your whole body will die." She keeps on...

"That's what's happening to this little boy int he book I'm reading. The galaxy is you and the star is that big M word, kay? Now think about how you may feel if you were compared to the sun.

"Humm. I like the sun.. it's pretty and warm from far away.. but up close it will kill you." I don't want that to be my reality." I told her as I typed and heard the music shift from my friends the Shins to a dear old friend Jeff Buckley. Poor Jeff... he died of heroin overdose.. just like his father. Man, was that one fucking talented family. I often wonder about the woman in their life... ya know, Jeff's mom. Why is she never mentioned?

"MOM!" I was barked at.

"oh, yes." So what about the sun? I corrected with a clearing of my throat.

Well, he's getting sick and all of a sudden this teacher and this creature, and this dude.. he's a dude from another galaxy.

They go to different galaxies. The lesson is that even the most tiny things are important.. even though they are soo tiny and the sun is so big." She explained her understanding of the moral to the story.

That's what's happening in the book, mom.

"cool." I said...

I'm pretty sure she rolled her eyes at me. : )

I'm learning to trust

Sun, 20 Jan 2008 03:23:57 GMT

So this trust thing seems to be working out. It's not easy by any means, but it's somehow more human than I've felt in so long. I think I've been robotic. Yup. Like a friggin' robot on autopilot.

The mission: Get shit done without getting hurt. One day I'll be able to relax and do what is good for me.. right now I just need to take care of others. It's the right thing to do.

Sub mission: (The echoes of consumerist memories...) "Never let them see you sweat!"

This is just plain not possible. Am I the last person to realize this?

I've learned recently some very simple truths. So simple and true that I may even be beginning to allow them germinate and grow roots in my fresh and green, moist garden of belief deep in my heart and mind. (Or should I say heart over mind?) You see I'm not stupid! Logically I've known these things for a long time. I'm sure I've even given others advice that boasted a level of understanding and experience with this far beyond my ability. It's one thing to know it, and yet another to actually try it for yourself.

Not just dipping a toe in.. but actually trying it!

Scary little girl at the edge of the abyss.... or, happy, hopeful friend encouraged to grow into the future?

Hope or Fear?

I guess that's up to me to decide... everyday... every moment... even right now as I type. I'm deciding... I'm choosing love.

Lessons learned:

~ If you honestly and truly respect people they will respect you back.
~ If you honestly and fully love someone they will love you back
~ If you trust and risk pain, others will trust and risk pain with you
~ If you do the above first.. it teaches you to honestly and truly respect, love, trust and risk pain with yourself. It's friggin' powerful shit!
~ Nothing is better than trust and love
~ There's really nothing I want to do to loose that

The love I feel right now is the most deep and comprehensive love ever! It includes so many levels of trust and acceptance... beginning with myself, it moves into all other elements of uman connection: others both young and old, same and different, sexy and well... soo not sexy.. there's just all of this love in me. I've felt it trying to get in for a long time.. but I wouldn't let in in.

I'm so happy to be letting it in. Even if I get totaly screwed, I know that I will survive and be better for it.

GOLD STAR FOR ME!!